i take a photograph of myself everyday. while working. because i want to watch myself age. or see myself change. look more tired. seem less calm. everyday. things change. you.change. we.chan.ged. l.i.f.e.c.h.a.n.g.e.s.
we sat on the street corner. in the rain. on the grime. watch strangers pass by. smile to yourself. frown at you. wrap elongated fingers through the folds of your shirt. humtheonlysongyoueversing. while i read that book on the atom bomb.
remember.that.everything.can.change.in.one.day.
e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.

stand in front of the lamp. skin turns white. eyes turn black.
consume large quantities of ink and oil and water colour and spray paint. shoved down your throat. beautiful.chemicals.pigment.re.sin.v.a.r.n.i.s.h.
spit them on the walls. swallow them to tint your insides. lose your mind, lose my mind. together we lost every mind. though decidedly did not care and just created a handful of new ones. new languages. new laws. new script. new rhymes.
the lines keep going. though one causes liver damage.
...or was it kidney failure.

wake up with broken toes. broken feet. shattered bones.
the dust of bones filing through your veins. now. now what do you do?
learn to sleep better. quiet. er. m.o.r.e .q.u.i.e.t. and hope the other nine toes make it out alive.
violence in dreams. anger in daydreams. displeasure in real life.
it's just this acute case of paranoia. typically elaborated into an organized system.

well. its a long way down. and. that's a huge commitment.
to which you said. that is a very good sentence. to which i probably outwardly replied. fuck you. but inwardly thought. well. it's. true. if i were to write a bible. when i write a bible. the title of this. b.i.b.l.e. would be/will be/is... just that.

escape. escapism. escapist.
the shortness of it all. but which version of the word.
1 measuring a small distance from end to end.
2 sold. in. advance. of. being. acquired.
3 anoutcomeinwhichonehaslessadvanagethanothers.
or none. none of these. in fact all that i was thinking was that nothing is as tall as a 62 story building. except for maybe a 63 story building.
skyscrapers . don’t thy call them, skyscrapers?

things seems so much better. with space. static electricity. walls. streets. radio waves. between us.
laugh through the static. smile through a glowing screen.
but scratch. claw. bite. at each other. or just you. in a small room. push yourself. down the stairs. out the window. off the roof.
under the pavement. through the wires. on top of the city.
the radio waves are getting the best of us.

fall down. fall through. fall out. fall. out. f.a.l.l.o.u.t.
"meet me at the fallout" this is what you said. to me. to you. or no. was it: "wherever the fall out wasn't". was not. not you. not me. not ever. never? so we met in the desert. with the stars. or a moon? a moon with eyes. black eyes. and teeth. crooked teeth. it was you and me and the man in the moon. and we met. to watch. the world end? or. to. end. with. the. world. or to end our world. but then maybe this is all a lie. and i'm still sitting 5 stories up. waiting. by the window. for you to come home. only you aren't coming home. because you are waiting. on the northwest side of a small uncharted island in the south pacific. waiting. crouched underground. waiting. for this damned war to be over.

.riaffa evol cimota ruo saw siht

conversations while the world ends. conversationalist at the end of the world. the end of the world in a conversation.
i watched the sky turn black and the air turn cold. lighting bolted and thunder clouds clapped. and rain rained and the sky turned red. on a bench, under an over-hang. flinging cigarettes with gesturing hands. walk home, ride home, read all the way home.
yes, i would burn myself again. no, i would not burn you. wait. wait for me?
maybe. i would. then.
does this make any sense. and i hate when life turns into a movie. or every thing turns literary.

cold water. just place your head under cold water. to wake up. clean up. smarten up.
it's horrendous. dirty coffee mugs filling the sink. the bookshelf fallen over. blanket on the floor. no blankets on the mattress. no sheets on the mattress. escape from what you should be doing. to do. the exact opposite. spend money meant for dinner on gin and taxi rides. fall asleep on the concrete. replace your veins with black coffee. replace your eyes with black eyes. replace you with that. or them with you.
take out the batteries.
and place your head under cold water.

when is the last time i slept. it's hard to remember. it's hard to forget. with all the sparks flying inside and outside of my eyes. and you show up at the door at 7:14 in the morning. before there was a night with the neurotic. and a night with red wine at diners. and wooden tables and street corners. plots. and. plans.
visually similar to pots and pans. intended? intentions. was it?
i am so fucking tired. and the light only comes from the right. i can't wake up screaming anymore.
so all we need is good lighting. four cameras. and four bottles.
right. let's get to it. it. i.t.

i've come back to you because privacy is important. or i am afraid of everyone else. or i am just not myself around strangers whose faces i have never seen. what have i been doing. wasting away. running away. wishing to run away. although i am now back, or maybe never left. still hearing phones ringing through the walls. and screaming at 4 am. insignificance. and learning about the future. and futuristic love. robotic love. scientific love. emotionless love. loveless. l.o.v.e.
i wrote out five pages. and i need twenty more. i just need to remember them. i cut my hair too often. you cut your hair not enough. and i'm always hiding from the sun behind black eyed glasses and white sheets.