March 30, 2008.

"you were never dying.
but i'm going to live!"

deep and heavy sigh. body is almost returned to normal body status. caught a viral infection from small in office procedure i had done on monday. only me. after 5 days of antibiotics and a high fever causing-cold chills-hot flashes-ear ringing-head pounding-vein rising-bone aching-muscle aching-nose bleeding-sleep talking-skin rising to temperatures skin should not be-nausea ensuing-wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat-shake uncontrollably-all in all body crumbling illness; i feel well again. health never tasted so good. i have oh so many easter chocolates and wines that i could not partake in waiting for me. and videos to watch with david. and a happy little cat. and a fancy new 'been sick for a week hairdo'.

i want a new camera.

March 7, 2008

“it has become impossible to completely separate my thoughts and my actions. I am losing my mind”

I dreamt my kidney rotted out of my body.

I wrote you the longest and most desperate of letters at 2 am. This morning the roads were busy. But not the roads I drove on. I saw a room on the top of a small building that I would like to live in.

I want to know what comes next.



March 12, 2008

‘I took a small vacation from thought. Meditation. Revelation. Vacant-ness. some time to stumble about the globe in a thoughtless stupor.’

Generally I feel better.

Some things did not escape me in my struggle to forget. Here are a few: a morning movie. a little new york diner and homemade pickles. Catching up with a friend. Laying in the sun with david. He little cats running up and down 156th st. the pretty brick apartment buildings winding up the curved streets. Videos and grapefruit juice. Love letters drawn not written. Laughing ourselves to sleep. the small boy at the end of the stairway, bundled up in winter coats and mittens, jumping up and down and up and down. Cream of wheat and pink lady apples with black coffee.

I want to move past this.



March 13, 2008

“Stop thinking everything you touch turns to dust. And you, you stop thinking that you are never happy. Both of these things are lies.”

Black coffee and the shitty little things I tried to bake. At least the jam is good. And honey never goes out of style. Cats meow and I meow back. Listen to the songs of the morning and stumble down the stairs. There are too many windows, just waiting to be jumped out of. Needles and thread and scissors at the desk. The little desk in the orange corner of the orange room three stories above the world.
The days of the week are completely lost. My mind stopped recording correctly.
If you rub cinnamon into your skin, it burns like a poison. This is compulsion.
Scratching through the skin to get to bone. This is obsession.
And dreams leave little to the imagination.

I want a good cup of coffee.



March 14, 2008

“Exhaustion . Fatigue. To weaken by repeated variations of stress.
These things can hit you like a ton of bricks. Then it is stumbling. Falling.
Sinking. Finally into sleep.”

I keep thinking about the end of ‘no country for old men’. I do enjoy talking about dreams. And listening while others recall them. I am beginning to realize my obsession for organic juice. And my fear of sugar. The number one reason I am a terrible baker, I tend to leave more than half if not all of the sugar out. And the number one reason I drink organic juice, no sugar. Added at least. Rockfish and sea water sushi for dinner. Strawberry icecream in coffee mugs at 11 pm. A telephone call from my favorite savannah residents.

I want to go back in time for a day. Back to the south.

March 3, 2008

“things might not be ok.
shock, sadness, embarrassment, fear, pain, numbness, panic.
nothing else stuck.“

I am infectious.
Made dinner with david. Strawberries and yogurt.

I want to go back in time.

March 4, 2008

“numb thoughts, unfocused movements, nightmares”

all I can think of is people with giant holes in their abdomen.

I want to lay in bed forever.


Fatty is dead. I buried her under a rock.


These cats are falling. Where will they splat??


Mr Grumbles skipped town, but left his leg behind.


These were my legs. When they were still pretty.


All that is left is your shadow on the wall.

February 27, 2008

“Realization. You can want things to change, want to find what’s missing. But unless you make them happen…well they simply won’t. I am going to start painting more. I’m going to start enjoying the small things, taking pictures more often, exploring the tiniest streets of the city. Maybe then I won’t want to run so often. Maybe then…”

Black coffee and yogurt with honey and granola. First it rained, then it shined. Received an email from the past. Bubble wrap and more coffee. Sound equipment and conference calls. Wrote a letter on an envelope and addressed it with pictures. Came home to find david already home from work. How wonderful!

I want to start that change.




February 28, 2008

“Don’t fret the small stuff. That is what they say, but what do you do when the small things are the only things you care about. Attention to detail. I am starting to feel wonderful again. Inspiration is coming back. When it builds up a little more, it can sill over and beautiful thins can be made by my hands again. Winter is thawing.”

Wake up to little cat scratches. Black coffee and homemade banana bread on a little white plate with david. Read the news together and look at some videos. Wish the apartment was a little bit nicer. Bigger for the cats to run about and more windows so I can have morning coffee in the morning sun. one day maybe. Work and spec sheets spec sheets spec sheets. At work I keep spoons and felt in my filing cabinet. Decide that the worst thing about being sick is the way it makes your eyes feel. Bought organic juices and green apples for lunch. Looked at photographs of very old maps and star charts and got a little flutter of excitement in my stomach. Nothing makes me happier that an old map or globe. Drank some of my organic cranberry nectar and was surprised that I now find ‘normal’ tasting cranberry juice too sweet after forcing myself to drink 100% no sugar added organic cranberry juice. But then again I am a girl who prefers my coffee black and my chocolate bitter. Thank you to envelopes, tea, pencils, general cheer, and a few very nice crafty blogs. Blueberry juice in blue ceramic glasses and our favorite video.

I want to get going!




February 29, 2008

“Confusion. An abundance of confusion rolling and rumbling around in the ocean of my mind. There is so much I could do, no do. There are routes to take, and then there are different routes. North or south. East or west. Things I want to take with me may have to be left behind. Depending on where I go.
I wish he could just enjoy the small things with me.
Is leaving the house such a crime.”

More banana bread and black coffee and a glass of blueberry juice. Then audio files and cats and dogs and birds. Whistling and lullaby’s. Discovered the antique globe section of ebay. Heart melted and wished we could receive packages. I hate intercoms that do not work. Felt a huge panic in my gut. I need to paint. Something. Anything. NOW!
Put more plastic silverware in the file cabinets. Drink too much coffee. What did I do at work today besides drink coffee and draw pictures of vans…
Chamagne and blueberry juice.

I want to take more walks.



March 1-2, 2008


“things might be ok”

a nice day. Mango and black coffee for breakfast. Then a train ride with david. And lunch in a little diner by union square. Iced coffee and a falafel. David had a hamburger and a vanilla milkshake. How America 1950’s! then strands books. So many books I want to buy. Farmers market and organic jams! Lusted over flowers. David bought me an apple cider. Then we went to see the little pets up for adoption. Bunnies, and kittens, and guinie pigs. Oh my! Then relaxing with books and tea and red wine and banana bread. Sunday morning was coffee on the train. Lee’s art shop to buy ink. Teal and Tangerine! And feathers and a little fake bird. Went through my old jars of little objects. Dusted everywhere and waited for david to come home. Lots of organic yogurt.

I want a guinie pig!