Non-stop work. Leaves little to the imagination. On the walk from the subway to the center, I created plans in my mind.
Work work. A little bit more work.
I want rest. I want piece of mind. I want happiness.
February 20, 2008
The in between an idea in your mind and the physical product of that idea. What changes and where does what was in the idea and not in the product go.
I sat in the office all day and sewed a little dog. I never realized how hard it is to sew a little dog with wires and speakers and buttons inside of it.
I want perfection.
February 21, 2008
Stress can make a body in pain. Nightmares give you pain. Just a though can cause something physical.
Woke up with blood on my lips. I have started biting them in my sleep. boss brought in bagels and I had one for breakfast and one for lunch. Now I feel fat. Drive drive drive and run into a moving gurney.
I want to not eat so much.
February 24, 2008
I have lost thoughts in the past few days. An abundance of snow and everything gets lost. For better. Or worse.
Snow snow snow. Dig the car out. Drive up a hill. Slide down the hill. Make abstract animals into houses. Feed sick david and wonder and stand under water and sleep. wake up and go to dig out the car. Lock the keys in while the engine is purring. An hour and 140 $ later I am back inside the car and driving to Massachusetts with the psycho killer. Drink wine. Sing songs about hearts eclipsing. Totally. Went dancing and my beautiful coat was stolen. People can be cruel. Mourned my coat. And fell asleep. Spoke to brother in the morning. he is going to become a traveling nurse. Make more money and travel the country. Such fantastic luck! He may come to new york.
I want my coat back.
February 26, 2008
I feel like something is missing. When it snows I want to stand in the street, but these days there is no time. I should make time. Thoughts escape me and I can’t wait until wednesday night when I promised myself I would paint something for myself. I see hot air balloons and walruses breaking through the ice.
Wake up and feel bad for sick david. Had a muffin and tea (no coffee since I feel a beastly cold coming on). Go to work and look out the window at the trains passing by. Remember when I wanted to be a train hopper. Remember when you wanted to be a train hopper. I miss those dreams. Make toys, draw fairy godmothers. I love my new tights. And I love my new scarf. Make a pot of coffee and drink it because I could not stand the lack of caffeine anymore. Addiction is all fun and games. Remember the needles. Remember your organs being misshaped. Elongated. Organic Cranberry Juice with no sugar added is the most painful and shocking tasting juice there is. But dang if it ain’t good for your health. The tip of my finger that I cut off still has no feeling. Had mango salad and a green apple for lunch. Green apples taste just like a sweat perfume. A rainy night. A rainy drive home. Look at new york city all lit up at night from under the bridge. Stare up at the buildings. Curried sweat potatoes on a patterned table cloth.
I want to find what is missing.
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