Words

February 13, 2008


No dreams to speak of. It always surprises me when I have an abundance of detailed dreams for days, and then nothing. Nothing for weeks. Does my brain work in waves that get shorted out easily. Or are my dreams as of late….just not worth remembering. Rain is not as enchanting as snow. Watching rain is decidedly more depressing than watching snow. When I see a car still covered from yesterdays snow storm, I wonder why they haven’t gone anywhere. The boots are melting back to green. Never try to change the nature of things.

I lost my mind and lost my car this morning. walked up and down the street in the rain trying to retrieve it. When we reunited we drove to work, but the bridge was flooded. So we drove to work through water. Underwater. Usually it’s over water. I do not like new jersey, because they won’t let me pump my own gas. Put airplanes in a box and turn a giraffe into a telephone. Travel to fedex to pick up the crocodile walls. The manholes were so full of water the looked like little geysers, shooting up sewage water. I have to fix that scanning machine and still need to write my grandmother a letter. And maybe a wired call to my actual mother. Little office smells like chicken noodle soup. Curious-er and curious-er. Nailed a bunch of hooks into the walls. Hung wigs and captain hats and chains with anchors from them. My jar of hooks and screws that my grandfather gave me is amazing.

I want a new spine.




February 14, 2008

Do i really need to celebrate valentines day. I thought about baking cupcakes or something, but I just don’t have much of a taste for sweets anymore and I just don’t want to bake. I am so bad at it. That is why I want to move more south on manhatten. So I can walk down the street to a new york bakery and buy a cupcake. ‘here is your fucking cupcake’. what are you supposed to do on valentintes day it feels just like everyother day yet I fee obligated to do something. I don’t think I will. perhaps anti-valentine is the correct route to take. I though about last February 14th. Here are some words I wrote that day:

“today:

sit on a bed with no sheets and paint my nails black. stare at the ceiling and out the window and at the floor. sit on a bed with no sheets with a cat with two fleas. yesterday it was only one. count the number of cuts and bruises on my legs. listen to the rat in the walls. re-open the knife cut on my palm. watch that bleed. sit in the bath tub and let it rain hot water on me. now the cat and its fleas are sitting on my shoulders while i sit on a bed with no sheets. just me, the cat, and the fleas. happy valentines day.

ps- that porcelain cat statue might belong to an old sea-town brothel.”

Then as I recall me and a friend finished a bottle of alcoholic egg nog. This year I foresee me just laying on the floor and drink red wine, because as joelle would say, ‘it looks like blood’ .

so many dreams escaped me last night and I even repeated them three times so I would not forget.

Horrible, horrible traffic in the morning. the bridge was not my friend. put crocodiles and turtles and a sun into boxes. Made coffee. Strong coffee. the sun shines in the windows and I drink the strong coffee. It is 1:22 already. It seems like I jut typed in 1:02 into the coffee machines built-in clock. Spent over 1000 dollars on the company credit card at Staples. Bought some nice pens. Coffee Shop and the sun is setting. Thought about the fact that the most unique thing a person has is their voice. What if you hate your voice? I kind of hate my voice, but then… I may not hear what others hear. I think I might drink too much coffee. It may be my only vice….for today.
Got stuck in a pot hole. The night peaked there.

I want to live in a room above a liquor store. Not for the drinking purposes, just for the classiness of it all.





February 15, 2008

Every once and a while I wake up feeling like a fool. There is not much more to think about.

Make a pot of coffee and drink it. Get nervous about the fact that I have no nice clothes to wear to the fancy meetings next week. Get sad that I have to spend money on nice looking clothes. Or at least more black clothes, but without all the holes in them. The hot pole is leaking water. The toys have not been delivered yet. Write out directions, draw out a map. Fret fret fret. To be constantly or visibly worried or anxious. [with clause] I fretted that my fingers where so skinny.
Took boxes to 39th street. Accidentally drove underneath the river. Wine now; and out to dinner in an hour or so.

I want to make more art. I want to live more art-like.