something inside. wanted to get out. or back in.
hiding numbers and forgetting numbers. "who are you anymore?" i asked/typed/recorded.
in between the radio silence there was: 2 broken glasses, 4.5 bottles of rusted wine, 3 tons of ripped upholstery, 1 book of parasitology, and 53 hours of emotional disorientation/deliberation/revelation.
and then. one word answers. with a variation of 3 to 4 punctuation's.
whoareyouanymore?

"here we are"
she thought sitting in a room covered with fabric. the window only open a crack. the music only just humming through the walls. burnt out cigarettes and half empty syringes of caffeine and year old newspapers.
that was the down spiral.
this was the way up.
hands shaking and tapping. tap tapping at letters. writing invisible notes on invisible sheets of paper. teeth shine. mouths move. eyes blink and not blink. opened bottles and golden hearts. crawling out the window and down the rusted ladder he said.
"there you are"

control yourself.
electronic dance music pulses through the telephone wires and the glass is half full of rusted wine.
half manufactured eyes perk up while the caffeine does what it was born to do.
black kitten teeth chew on gold chains and rabbit fur.
sink into the air and out onto the street.

consistency: screaming. pushing. yelling. ripping. biting. side glances against walls in the corner on the bathroom sink. hair pulling scratching staringsharptoothedsmilingblackeyesredveinssmokefilledbedroomswithinkontheskiniloveherwillyoukissmelaughandsingedhairburntskinwateragainsttwofaces back bones and rib cages fingers on the back of necks. walking. running. listening through walls. watching. mouths. move. and. faces. spin.

wake up to copper cowboy songs filtering under the door. limbs wrapped together in electrical cords and guitar strings. mind wrapped in foggy memories and the bottles all empty and broken. flash back to the middle of the night.
"i'm in a constant state. .of emotional distress" he said. mouths moved and water fell through/out of the pipes.
the longer you are gone the less i remember about you. the more the mouths move with no sounds coming out. the louder the background music goes and the faster the grounds and the ceiling switch places.
"i know what you mean"
contradictions. black eyes and bite marks.
"just put your arm around me" he said.

standing still. in the middle of the carousel. faces. legs. bottles. arms. in the incredibly loud spinning freak show orgy of everyone you know and don't know. and you.
7 hours later. there is the black and the black and white. dust in the sheets. the crackling radio. spilt coffee. bruised ribcages.
a half a year ago. there were eyes moving closer. in the present. there are hands pushing and hands pulling.
youtakecaregottagoiloveyouhaveabeautifulday.
words written in melting ink. letters kept inside empty novels. phantom postcards from places that will never exist. because you will never be good enough.
and so.
you still. stand still. in the middle of the carousel.

'i didn't mean to scare you'
but it's too late and visions of blimps crashing to the ground and dogs raining from the sky and that little jump in your ribs when you realize it's all about to end and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it are already floating through my dreams.
'move over i can't breath'
they said to the cat and the boy and the second cat at 4.30 am. 3 hours later you fall asleep. 2 hours after that you are on your 6th cup of coffee with 2 more to go. waste not.
another lightbulb dies out and the mood lighting is complete. it only took 1.5 years.
'where have you been, my dear'
want not.